Thunder ..scares the shit out of me , As a child my mother told me it was God coming to take me away for being bad, At 27 years old I know this is not the case , but I am still terrified of thunder and lightning .
2. Which emotions seem to take the best of you?
Love takes the most out of me , Its a wonderful ride when things are going smooth and as they should , Its volatile when things are going bad . I think it brings out the intensity in me .. Which makes me manic .which is a dangerous combination. People with Bipolar don't have that fine line , Its all about extremes.
3. What do you take pride in the most?
I take pride in the fact that I do not need to rely on anyone , I am a self sufficient person , and although people are in and out of my life , I know that my girls can depend on me . Everything I have .. I have because I worked for it , nothing was ever handed to me and I never take the easy way out .. You hear that Justin ..I never take the easy way out . Peoples thoughts and feelings about me do not affect me neither here nor there , I live life for me and my girls and nothing else matters , sure things hurt me .. I'm not made of stone . But I know I can always count on one person..Me. My father taught me through t he school of hard knocks that that is the way it has to be .
I'm happy to say that my grandfather made it through the sugery , he is not however out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination .. but for the little things I am thankful. When it rains , it definitley pours . My entire house has been plagued with the flu it seems except for Tuesday. We are a bunch of miserable sick people if I must admit . I want to thank every one for their prayers and kindness , you all keep me sane . On another note I had to say goodbye to a long time friendship , my best friend Justin , His girlfriend thinks we are having some torrid affair .. which is wrecking havoc on his life .. I left some comments on his blog on what he wrote . They were neither here nor there .. but maybe she misunderstood what I wrote and took them as something else . They were just what I understood his poetry to be or what I took from them , Maybe she thought I thought they were about me or in regards to me .. I truly don't know . I love him with all my heart and am truly sad that it has to be what it is , He is the one person whom has always been there for me through out all of lifes trials and tribulations . My safety net .
There is osmething to me having bad days at work, and then coming home and immediatly getting a phone call with more bad news. I am terrified when the phone rings. It is just ironic I guess. I had just gotten in the door and settled the girls in for the night when I got a phone call from my sister , She says Tanya what are you doing ? In a flat voice , Jodie is a bubbly kid full of life and it just resonates in her voice.. So I knew immediatly something was wrong . She asked me to get the girls dressed and to come with her to my grandfathers house a few towns away , She explained that he wanted us all there to say goodbye . My granfather has been fighting lung cancer for the past 2 years and he seemed to be doing good , He got cancer from working with asbestos for a majority of his life , Before the facts of what asbestos does to you were even known , he is 76 .
My family is not an emotional one , we were always taught that emotions were a sign of weakness , so there for we are a fucked up lot who have problems displaying them in any form. So we get there and the whole family was there. My grandfather asked us all to come into the kitchen because he wanted to speak to us all , because what he had to say was not easy and he did not want to repeat it.bHe told us he knew he was dying , but that he was going to fight this with all that he had , and also that he wanted us to promise to take care of his wife , who is 20 yrs his junior , not my grandmother .. he divorced her along time ago , in my lifetime they were not together . I call her aunty ethel . And he went on to tell us all that he loved us and that he did not want a big deal made of his passing , He wanted a small stone because that was good enough for his youngest son ( who commited suicide at 27 ) so it was good enough for him.
Some started crying , I don't think Tuesday understands what really going to happen , so she was okay . She gave him her lucky ducky ring that Erik gave her and told him " grandpa this has always brought me luck, So Now I hope it does the same for you " she kissed him and told him she loved him , Me and my sister headed outside because GOd forbid any one see's us cry . We don't cry , We're " tough". He had his lungs pumped on friday and they are filled with liquid again , so they are going to do an emergency operation to try to save his life. They want to put a shunt in to drain all the fluid . They do not think he will live through it and neither does he . So I pray for the best and prepare for the worst . My prayers are with you Grandpa and to you I say goodnight and hopefully not goodbye .
Don't laugh , but I liked and still to his day love jeopardy
2. What show did you hate?
Romper room , that bitch with the mirror never ever called my name , and I watched for years , ughh still mad about that ,
3. What show did your family gather around the TV to watch?
Disney used to have movies on channel 12 every sunday , and we would all watch it together , mom would make popcorn , the old kind jiffy , where you cooked it on the stove .. Gosh I'm showing my age
4. What show is currently your favorite?
It was america's next top model , But its all over now
5. What show do you hate now?
I hate spongebob square pants , theres this guy at work , who laughs just like him , and the guy happens to be an ass so ... I hate sponge bob.
More This and That 1. Are you organized or disorganized?
I am a very disorganized person
2. How well can you swim?
I'm a fish out of water , I love water its the one thing I am drawn too , it calms me
3. How often do you fill your gas tank?
Considering I drive a 1978 Bronco with a big lift kit and even bigger tires , that has a 351M under its hood and the fact that I have a broken gas gauge .. I have to put 10 in it everyday just to be on the safe side and it never hits fill .so yup I drive a gas Whore
Sometimes .. It definitley depends on the mood of the evening
2.How does your partner call you or how do you call your partner?
My partner calls me Frank after the evil alter ego bunny rabbit from Donny Darko
3. What kind of words make you really hot, and what kind of words really turn you off?
What turns me on is when we are making love and he looks in my eye's and tells me he loves me , What turns me off is stuff like " who's your daddy bitch "
4. If "dirty talk" turns you off, then why and do you prefer not to talk much at all?
Dirty talk don't turn me off..But the tiiming with it is in the mood of the night ..Sometimes I like to get down and dirty , and most times I like to be loved .. held and to hear loving things.
So I have still yet to weigh myself , But I was taking these pills that supposedly help you melt off the weight with a modest diet and excersize regimen , I took them before combined with weight watchers and I lost a good 40 pounds in about 3-4 months . Thing is though I started taking them again after spending 30 dollars to obtain them and I found they gave me lots of energy in the morning , took them again in the afternoon ..same thing , then around 7 pm I would crash .. I would seriously be exhausted like I have never been in my life.
Not only that but I started becoming hostile and violent , and delusional and also extremely irritable , These pills were driving me out of my mind . Has anyone ever heard of anything like this ? It's my week for my monthly friend so that didn't help , but is that not crazy ? I just don't understand it . I felt even worse after not taking them for the last 3 days , but I'm starting to feel a bit better now . So buyer beware about this pill.
1. Do you wear any jewelry? What kind? I wear very little , But I have a necklace I never take off its made out of clay and sea glass fashioned to look like a bear paw , because that is my totem . And I wear my diamond earrings and engagement ring.
2. How often do you wear it? Outlined above
3. Do you have any piercings? If so, where?
Yes , Nipples , tongue, Lip , septum
4. Do you have any tattoos? If so, where?
Well I have a japenese dragon covering the back of my head, Spiderweb on the entire elbow, odins cross on the inside of my right wrist , A barcode with my social on the inside of my left wrist, A sacred heart on my chest , and Riot girl tatooed on my left upper forearm
I am by nature a pretty tolereant person , I can deal with the stupidity of everyday things children do. I , however can not deal with greedy, ungrateful children . Thats one thing that irks me to no end. Alot of people comment on how spoiled Tuesday is, and to a degree she is , But with her father not in the picture I do tend to overcompensate. But I find that those that comment on it are usually people who don't care to provide in a manner for there children that I do , Its not for lack of funds , ITs just that they don't for what ever reason. I will be the first to admit that Tuesday and Lavender have the best of everything its a matter of pride for me because I came from nothing , It doesn't make a me a better person or parent , and to look at me you would never know they are my children because I look like a bag lady. But it makes me feel good to know they have nice things.
Anyway this post is not about either of my children , at times Tuesday can be ungrateful but what child can't be. I have been taking my niece for the weekends and this weekend left me with a bad taste in my mouth as far as she is concerned . I took the kids last weekend to walmart , and what ever I got Tuesday I naturally got Courtney , So I decieded that I was not going to bring either of them shopping with me should I go again , Because the kid has a way of making you feel like you owe her and that you are the biggest piece of dirt if you don't provide for her to.
Well I bought Tuesday A stupid little dinosaur on thursday and left it on her burea for her as a suprise, and I also bought her a game boy game she's been wanting . I never leave Any store without something little for each of my girls. Tuesday was happy as she always is , my kid for the most part you could give a piece of paper to and she'd be happy, At other times no matter what tyou give her its not enough ( like most kids). So Liz dropped off courtney friday afternoon and of course commented on how spoiled Tuesday is ..I held my comments to myself , Liz is a welfare case always has been , always will be.
I work hard for my money..I choose to spend it on my children, There is no rational reason why she don't have a job, except for laziness.But that is her perogative, Thing is though it rubs off on her kid , They act like the world owes them. I am the wrong person to have this attitude with. So Courtney see's this dumb little toy I bought Tuesday ( when she wasn't here ) and has the balls to say to me Where's mine ? and I explained to her that I bought it the pther night when she wasn't here and that I did not need to buy her every single thing that I buy for my daughter and that if she wanted one she should tell her mother. SO I thought this was the end of the issue , I was wrong . I wake up this morning and I guess Tuesday was showing her how to play the new game ..Courtney looks at me and asks me when are we going to Walmart because I OWE HER A TOY !! I have never wanted to shake a child so much in my life. I find it very ballsy and ignorant along with a few hundred other things the kid has done this weekend. I have decieded for my own sanity that this weekend thing is going to be less frequent , What do you think ?
Went out last night with a fellow mechanic , It was his birthday . I got him this really cool votive holder ( which I wanted for myself ) and some candles, Jellybelly beans, and a bouquet of tulips that were lollipops instead of real flowers , really pretty. Its funny how people are outside of work , We had a wonderful time , we went to a bar called LE Place , its a local gay bar. And I had the best time , It was karoke night .. I never laughed so hard in my life, Some very flamboyant people indeed. Then this 400 pound lesbian cornered me in the bathroom ( not what your thinking ) And asked me why I had a spiderweb tatooed on my elbow , because its offensive to her etc , because its symbolic of me killing black people and its a jail tatoo blah blah blah , I got it for no such reason , didn't even know it meant that , I just liked it and thought it was sharp , I'll never understand the association but whatever, I think she was trying to be intimidating , but I don't fear anyone so it was laughable .
ITs been an interesting week over all , I feel great I'm doing pretty good with sticking to eating healthy things with a few mishaps , I also ended a friendship , I suppose I should feel remorseful .. but I don't this person attacked me , so I told them exactly what I thought and I suppose it wasn't appreciated , but whats done is done. I have no interest in beating a dead horse.
I haven't weighed myself yet at all so I can't post if I have lost or not yet, But his gay guy named todd told me I was beautiful and reminded him of betty page , and if he wasn't gay .... It was nice to get a compliment even if it was a bit bizarree.
1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve? Suishi , or food that was made to look like paintings like dali , or warhol. And I'd have punk playing in the backround, and have a cool little artsy book shop off of it.
2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell? Eclectic stuff , Unique clothing for grrl's like me
3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be? I would write a book on surviving life .
4. ...ran a school, what would you teach? I would teach girls how not to be the worlds doormat
5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it? ohh it'd be a mix , Punk, Blues etc it'd be a whole crazy infusion of my tastes
So I went shopping and did pretty well (so I thought) I brought Tuesday , Lavender and my niece courtney. The baby was wonderful , The other 2 I could have choked the life out of , Now I know why my mom always went grocery shopping by herself . I swear I ended up with like 30 dollars of junk ( including a little stuffed bunny for each girl , that was slyly put at the bottom of the carraige ) that I did not put in their . Little girls are sneaky little demons when they want to be. I made out pretty good all the weight watchers food was like half off so I stocked up for a few weeks , I have no choice but to eat them because I did not by anything else that would even tempt me . My niece is like 4 ft tall maybe 50 pounds and the kid does not stop EATING EVER . Why can't I have a metabolism like that ? Mines I swear is pulseless , dead finito whatever. Going to watch American history x tonight , I like tht movie it has a good message , I bought Lavender some of that baby yogurt and the drinkable kind to ....and she loves it, I'm glad , its so good for her. I found a new snack that I love , of all things frozen grapes , the big globe ones mmmmm
I am going out grocery shopping .. I am buying weight watchers stuff , and I am buying that camereon mayhn book ( thanks lynne ) . No longer is this going to drive me nutts , No more ice coffee from dunkin donuts Half cream , 7 sugars , No more chocolate cakes and by god no more bread sticks from dominos pizza. I am going to weigh myself weekly and post it weekly. This is it . Fruits and structred meals , and I am going to incorporate slim fast in with this , I read in womens world that people that combine these diets together lose 200 percent more weight and have a higher success rate of keeping it off . I need to be happy in my skin , but I also need to be healthy in my skin. So here goes nothing .
Okay so this women I befriended yesterday , She calls me up today all upset , she's going through withdrawals from something or other she tells ma and she's broke and could I possibly lend her 20 dollars , I being an ex junkie know this is no good , So I told her I was here for her , but that I did not have any spare money . So she quickly let me go , Coincedentally I had to run to the atm to get money for pizza later on for Tuesday and my niece whom is sleeping over for the weekend , I get top the drive up one , and my "new friend " is in front of me , My heart broke .. I hate feeling used.
I'm not quite sure if I attract wayward people , or that they see something in me where they know that I will go to the ends of the earth to help them ..or what . I pulled into my parking lot today after work and picking Lavender up , I noticed this women who seemed lost ... internally lost , you could see it on her , And of course she comes over and asks politley if I could spare a cigarette , You could see that she used to be a pretty women whom has trodded down a rocky road , And she started crying ( I never know what to do when people cry ). She asked me if I had sometime to spare because she could sure use a friend , I am very skeptical about letting people on my house , And against my better judgement I asked her if she would like to come in and talk , And you could see on her face shock , I don't believe this women has ever had a moment of compassion bestowed upon her in her life to tell you the truth , somethings you can just tell. (btw she was a tiny little thing for all of you going , is she crazy letting a stranger in her house ) for those of you that personally know me , you know this is a non issue cause I am one mean mother fucker if you cross me . She was attacked here, someone jumped out of a dumpster and sprayed her with lye and a bunch of acidic chemicals and then they proceded to rape her , ( she had a wig on to cover the horrific scars on her head and what remains of her hair ) She told me a very sad story , She is a recovering alcoholic who has lost both her children to the state because of the alcoholism , And she is trying to get therap to no avial , so she can regain custody back ( yes I know I have many of my own problems that I should be dealing with ) So I told her I would help her , I honestly think this women is insane , But she really needs a friend , some one , something , I wonder if I can help her , I hope so .
So I think I got a max of 2 hours sleep last night , Lavender is not feeling well at all , I think she has croup, She definitley is barking ( erik is en route to the docs ) and with a combination of teething poor thing is miserable. I have no idea how I drove to work today, I really am beginning to think the Bronco drove it self , And as far as work went I think my hands and the rest of me was on auto-pilot ,because I'm sure I sleep walked through the day .I'm sure those of you with children can relate , I just laughed maniacally at everthing today (overtiredness ). I have not yet made that call for therapy , but i will get to it , its to important to ignore anymore . As for the weight one day at a time , I feel so lucky to have so many people that care , I just guess you never realize there are those out there , I really feel at the end of my rope sometimes ..But I am doing the best I can . I have to put a new image in my head and work towards that. I just want to be happy with me , and in current standings I'm not ; Inside or out . I do have to deal with the inner demons to, as well as the outer . I really think I am seriously ready to , Both will be alot of work .. But I need to set an example for my girls. I truly believe in that old adage the truth will set you free , but where does one begin ,
I want to thank everybody first for their comments and support , I get so lost and so low sometimes. I have made a decision to seriously seek therapy , because I definitley need it , I have been such a nasty person to be around lately and its not fair to my girls , or Erik . I put alot of my feelings down here because I have an extremely hard time letting them out in the "real world" I'm the type of person that is there to bail everyone out , to all it appears that I'm made of rock ; unaffected . But I guess its time to stop hiding everything , and get help. I neglect myself and deal with the needs of everyone else. I am deathly afraid to take meds due to the weight gain , but I guess its a neccesary evil. I also need to eat better , I don't eat alot , but what I do eat is not helpful to the plight with my weight . On another note I haven't been sleeping much because Lavender is not really sleeping, she is teething and she has a nasty cold so that don't help with my overall mental state. Tuesday and I watched Second hand lions together last night , It was a really good movie and she enjoyed it being just me and her , You could tell she was getting high strung though because 10 oclock rolled around and Lavender still had not fallen asleep , Today I am going to go through my weight watchers stuff and see what I can do , After I clean my house. Its nice enough that I might take Lavender out for a walk . Tuesday is going rollerblading along Cape Cod canal , Thats her thing she does with my mother , So I know she'll have fun.
I have a very poor image in my head about myself , and as hard as I try to repaint it .. I just can't . At a very early age I was always critiqued about my weight and my apperance , even though I was very thin for a large portion of my life and that has stuck with me forever, I remember being 11 being told I was a fat , lazy , useless piece of shit and that no boy would ever want to date me because of who I was, that I would always be that fat girl that they used . As I was lying in bed tonight I had this overwhelming embarrasment about how I think I appear , I seriously disgust myself. I was always athletic, took ballet , gymnastics , the whole nine. As a teenager I had a long fouhgt battle with herion , thankfully that I won my father was not as lucky , and also I have an eating disorder that rears its ugly head every few years , My weight is the root to most of my unhappiness and always has been , I'm either really looking good or obscenly overweight ( which I am now) I'm not at my heaviest but , I'm still heavy . It messes with me so much and its so fucking painful , I would love to get a quick fix , but that won't resolve the image in my head , A wonderful person here on tblog has given me so much encouragement , And for her friendship I am most grateful .. But I still have some issues that I can't seem to overcome , I look in the mirror and see this fleshy disgusting person looking back at me , Fat rolls , and thunder thighs , double chin , saggy breasts , and a world map of stretch marks , My man loves me for who I am , but I can't get over it , Sometimes it makes me suicidal , ( not that I would ever ) But it hurts so much , and it is wreaking havoc on my life , I have a piss poor attitude , I want no part of intimacy , lights on or off . I just feel like i'm losing my mind about this. I try to stick to things but I just can't seem to , I did really good on weight watchers a few years back , and I just can't seem to get into it , I don't know whats holding me back. I also have Bipolar and my weight contributes to my massive depression ( along with the fucked up chemical breakdown in my brain ) I really have considered getting that stomach pouch thing , but I don't think I weigh enough , when phen phen came out I put fishing weights in my pockets so I could qualify for it , ( thankfully looking back , my insurance didn't cover it ) I feel like such a reject ,
1. ...your first grade teacher's name? Her name was Ms.Bolton and she was amazing
2. ...your favorite Saturday morning cartoon? Top cat , I loved Benny , he's the original thug
3. ...the name of your very first best friend? Her name was meagan
4. ...your favorite breakfast cereal? Belive it or not honeycombs , At this very moment I have a big burly box in my cabinet
5. ...your favorite thing to do after school? I would usually run home (skipping detention) to catch China Beach when it was on lifetime , I love that show ... to bad its not on at all anymore
So annoyed , so destroyed The happy little family in front of me Wanting to tear it apart , selfish insanity Something to behold , waiting for it to unfold. Barbed comments and secret smiles dying inside all the while Dumb lop sided grin Wanting to be let in Bellys hanging overjeans Trying not to be cruel and demeaning Wanting what is mine , whats always been Ah for a time , for a time . Its driving me out of my fucking mind
Hello , I have been neglecting my blog latley, I returned to work and pass out by 9 most times so... Does any one have any suggestions about how To start an essay on ones self for college admissions ? I'm at a loss on how to start it , Its driving me insane .
My association with Tanya has been as her employer for the last 2 1/2 years.
Tanya walked into a somewhat unusual situation-an all male depart,emt of mechanics-as our "second" female mechanic trainee.The first woman we hired for this position quit after less than a day. Tanya,however, showed incredible courage and determination in the face of thwarts to dter her. Eventually, after proving her mechanical ability, she was able to win the respect of her male counterparts. She is now an integral part of our knitted products division mechanical team.
Tanya is a unique young woman. Her hallmark charecteristic is her honesty. This extends from those areas where we easily see it ( in realtionships and her approach to work on the shop floor ). She displays a care and concern for others as well as integrity in the performance of her job duties.
Tanya has disclosed her desire to return to school and pursue a course of study that would certainly be beneficial to her career growth here at Julius Koch. We are in great need of employees with a depth of knowledge related to textiles.
I am confident that if Tanya is motivated to acheive a goal, nothing will stop her in her pursuit of it. She is an open and authentic person, and she has my unqualified endorsement.
Today was very interesting , It was my first day back to work in a long time . I am very saddened , and also sore . I found out today that Dale who saved my job by standing up for me and really opening managments eyes to what was going on with the male mechanics torturing me , Gave his 2 week notice today, When I initially found out I cried, he's a great guy and he watches my back and helps me out in many ways , I am truly going to miss him , going in his office and chatting and joking around withhim , his silly comments . On another note I have always been very independent and I have always been a worker , Today I found myself yearning to be home with Lavender , I can't tell you how many times I pondered quitting today , Erik supports either decision I make , which makes it all to temtping. I don't think I will be their much longer anyhow , I don't think that they are going to help me out with scheduling , making schooling an impossibility , So I came home today feeling tired and defeated, Picked up the house a little bit , got Tuesday to bed and as I went to put Lavender to bed I noticed that there on my window sill was the most beautiful bouquet of roses... and 2 lovely plants and attatced was a little note that said Titled " To the love of my life "
" you can never know how much I love you because I could never put it in words. Its funny , you never know how much you miss something until its gone. Now that your at work , I miss you so much .I look around and see all the nice things you do for me and I could never repay you. We have our ups and downs , and we don't always get along , But I see us together forever. you know I look so forward to being with you, whether it be out at the christmas tree shop or just in bed .There is no one I would rather be with , This is just a little I love you from your greatest admirer , Erik " I am in awe its one of the nicest things any one has ever done , I must admit I have been feeling depressed lately , and unappreacited . And this made me realize he DOES apprecite it , It was a wonderful ending to a trying day .
