Today was mostly uneventful ( thankfully ) . Went and picked up the baby some formula , and hit Wally world , Much to my dismay they did not have any prettys for her , So I picked up .99 cent keys , and she loves them.Best buck I ever spent , Then of course I went to A.c moore with the intention of just picking up one thing , well that didn't happen , I am obssesed with candles and having home feel welcoming , even though no one even comes here but , it makes me feel better none the less . I can't return to work until tuesday , can't say I mind that. My shoulder is killing me . My friend wink sent me a valentines day card , It made me smile when I opened up my mail box , She's just good like that . I needed to smile. Also I had avery intruiging conversation with another friend the other night , and it left me in awe , Its funny how we all wear masks , You would never think to look at her that anything could ever be wrong in her life , because she is good at wearing her mask . I think for awhile she even convinced herself . I'm proud of her becuase I know she is going to do what needs to be done to make life better for HERSELF .
As I watched my father bandage up my sisters self inflicted stab wound , I realized that I will never matter. That even as I mature and grow and evolve as a person , That I will never be good enough. Because I will never be Jodie . From the time I was 8 on I have been the target of his rage , the blame for all things gone wrong in my parents life , his occasional punching bag , always the reciever of his acidic barbed degredation . I am my parents failure , their throw away child . I have even at my very best been a disappointment to them. It shows in there actions and interactions with me and my sister . Jodie has had every advantage one can be bestowed with . I grew up being told I was fat , useless , worthless , stupid , lazy . My mother even told me once that she wished she had aborted me . I was not a perfect child , All I ever wanted was for someone to listen , to care , to love me , to accept me . I decieded at 12 I was never going to get these things , So I left . My life became property of the state , I went threw a whirlwind of foster homes , and lock ups and psych hospitals because the state didn't know what to do with me . Not once did any one say Tanya what is wrong , how can we help you ? No one cared . I used to be a wonderful artist I stopped drawing long ago because my father told me I was a loser for wanting to pursue a career in art . Everything I did I was ridiculed for , . My sister Jodie always had the best she never wanted for anything and until this day still don't . I never even had the essentials . never mind getting to go to the prom , never mind have a beautiful dress and a Limo to boot. I never had anything . I never was so lucky to recieve not 1 college eductaion ..but 2 ..so far . I remember going back to high school after I had tuesday ( and I already had my g.e.d ) It was so important for me to prove that I had not taken the easy way out , that Iwent back to school full time so I could have my diploma , He laughed at me and told me that I would never do it . Well when the report card came out I had made the honor roll , I was so excited that I called and told him . He told me that I was a liar . The next day I brought over the certificate that I recieved from the honor society and highlighted my name and stapled and duct taped it to his front door . I was so proud when I walked across that stage to accept my diploma , I had made it , and with top honors. TO this day I am not good enough . I ask a question and he starts screaming at me like I am retarted . He asks about why I'm on meds , and When Iexplain he ridicules me , What do I have to become for him to love me , for him to be proud of me. All of her life , jodie has been on a pedestal . So when she stabbed herself and played the drama card saying all she ever wanted was for him to be rpoud of her , It made me sick to my stomach . She knows how to mainpulate and she does . My mouth hit the floor and my temper was really going when I heard her utter those words , Any one will tell you that is what I have always said , That I would just once want to hear him say " hey Tart I'm proud of you " . And Jodie took it from me , I think I am going to just stay clear of my famliy,Sometimes I think they are more hurtful then helpful. My parents never wiped my tears away when I cried , they never protected me . They never kissed my boo boo's better , they were never there to catch me whe I fell and watching him bandage her arm up reminded me of that.
Today was a very traumitizing day alot of things were realized today, The first thing I realized is that I will never be loved or accepted by my family . I have never been good enough even at my best , whether it was negative or positive things I did growing up , it didn't matter I was invisible after I turned 8 . Today I went over my parents house just to hang out and such , they asked me to run to fairhaven for seafood , so I said sure , my sister came along for the ride , whatever. We walk in the door and all hell breaks loose . My mom takes her food and the mudslide mix she asked us to get her and tossed it in the garbage . Then runs upstairs and for some reason or other deciedes to throw a full garbage bag at the entryway table ( downstairs) and it smashes all the pictures and sends glass every where , so she took off for whatever reason . I'm cleaning the glass up and last I knew my dad and my sister were in the living room eating , well I'm picking up glass and I see blood dripping , I look up and my sister is bleeding and at first I couldn't comprehend why , but A few seconds later , which felt like a few lifetimes I notice she has a huge gash in her arm , and a butcher knife in her hand . So my father at the same time see's it , and starts freaking out , I got her to drop the knife , and my dad wrapped her arm and brought her to the er ( which she required 8 stitches for ) So as he's wrapping it and she starts crying saying that all she ever wanted was for him to be proud of her , Okay stop the tape , rewind and go back for me , Because I obviously missed something.
So i ran a few errands today , One of which made me think alot more than I cared to . As I have had this week off due to a work injury , I've had time to refelct on alot of things . Reflect on them with emotional detachment . I went into work today to pay people I owed money to for avon and clubs I do . And as I looked around , I really thought to myself that I could not pursue a law suit against this company, I could and would win< I have consultated with a lawyer and they have nothing they could pull out of their ass that would even protect them , And I was told I would win BIG . But if I did , it would probally close the doors to the company , which would mean the loss of jobs all across the board , Even though I stand to gain tremendous personal gain , I can not and will not at the expense of others. I am also thinking of giving my vp this link , So there is no arguing , no excuses, just the truth for him to see as it really exists . I know he likes me as a person , And maybe this will open his eyes to what really goes on out there. I also talked to my 3 people there that I admire and trust , One told me that I have to do what is right for me , the other I couldn't say anything to because she was with a pack of people . Alot of things I'm very open about , this how ever is very troubling to me , so I keep it close. And my other guy told me that I write beautifully and to see it all written down really broke it down for him , and that he understood and always did . It made me feel better, because I'm not imagining things and taking them out of context . Bipolar constantly makes you second guess yourself , because sometimes your reality is fantasy and you don't realize it . So I decieded I needed to do something for me today I got a modern mohawk , My hair dresser always asks me the same thing " why do you do such outlandish things to your hair your a beautiful girl " So today I told her I am not beautiful , I'm not even pretty , I like what I do to my hair because It makes me comfortable , and I told her know why it makes me comfortable , because people are so shocked at my hair , that it wards them away in herds , and they are not worth my time to get to know , so it saves me the heart break. I still don't want to return to work , but i will have to , and also have to keep my chin up . I will no longer be a doormat , because come hell or high water they are going to hear me and they are going to do something about it . Thngs with erik are going a bit better , I do get tired of the asking for sex all the time though , It gets old fast . I am having a hard time emotionally and don't even want to deal with that right now , I seriously think I need to seek therapy and get back on my meds. Its just a gradual decline and its satrting to consume me , And I want control back , BIpolar the landlord has a serious lease on my mind , Thinking of dying my hair any one have any suggestions ? Well I have to go clean up this mess I call home. >
I think some higher power is telling me not to go to work today , I hurt myself pretty good at work back in October , I tore my rotator cuff , got impact fractures , Found out I have tendonitis, and bursitis .All sorts of stuff. Stuff a 27 yr old shouldn't have. my shoulder is hurting me something awful .So there is no way I can perform the smallest of my duties , its all heavy lifting there. So I have an appointment with my doc tommorow as is , so atleast I have a note to cover my ass. I have an open comp claim any way. So I guess even though I hurt something awful , that I do have something to be thankful for :idea:
I guess I focus to much energy on negativity , and I do need to be more thankful for the things I have . ITs just hard when your world is turning to shit . When Bipolar is the law of the land ... and there is nothing you can do about it . Its just all so fucking crazy and dark , My emotions are amplified by this awful disease . Its like Rimbaud's a season in hell , sometimes I just can't find my way back until my life is in ruins again. And my pride does not allow for apologies , even if it cost's me everything . I don't think people realize how it ravages and destroys a person and all that person touches. Thats not an excuse , but it still is a very real common denominator . Medication does nothing for me what so ever , It turns me into a bumbling idiot really , I lose all ability to form sentences in my head never mind saying them , I lose all ability to concentrate ( not a good thing when you work with heavy machinery) and it detachs me from reality , its like I'm trapped inside myself and I don't care for that at all . I am going to make a good effort to find the positives , but its very hard when everything is negative lately , as for work I'm not sure still what I am going to do about that . As for Erik , wink you are right I'm lucky to have him and I do need to start acting like it . But he also does need to be a little more helpful and take a more active role in everything . We are both very tired and burning the candle at both ends , neither one knows what the other deals with , and I'm glad I do have this forum , hopefully it will be helpful . Well I must get to bed so I can wake up in time for my wonderful job ughhhhh .
As the essence of nothingness falls upon me , I think of times as they used to be , Posters , snapshots , postcards all of a time I can't recall , I hang my head and let my eyelids fall , My past is my emptiness , my nothingness, the present is the same , the future holds no promise and I am the one to blame. I am the one who made this mess , I am the one who's in distress . Empty , black nothingness , why do you plague me , Why do you blot out the light so I can no longer see ?
Tuesday is my 8 yr old , my buddy , my everything . Right now I'm in a dilemma with her or in regards to her any way. The poor kid is pulled every which way , she has a very busy life and I am extremely hard on her. She is a very brilliant child , but unfortunatley she has emotional problems and behavior problems , So she doesn't get the recognition that she should . But any way Tuesday's father ( whom by the way is a low life piece of shit who does NOTHING to support his daughter in any way ) made a huge mistake the other day . On thursdays he is supposed to pick her up from day care and bring her to gymnastics , well he forgot . He also forgot to mention that he told her if she kept misbehaving that we would leave her and move far away . ( nice huh ) So I got home from work on that day got settled in and aobut 5 30 I get a call from her daycare , They said to me we are closing can you come pick up tuesday I was shocked , But none the less I told her sure let me get the baby dressed and I will be right there . When I get to the day care my heart breaks , there is tuesday all hysterical telling me she was good today , and that she was going to be good at gymnastics and that She'll always be good , and why did I leave her there don't I love her and etc . So I try my best to calm her down and I get home and call jeff , I told him what transpired , know what he said to me "oops " . So that was enough to make my head spin . I stopped visits with him right then and there , So all is well for 2 weeks and then his mother deciedes she's going to play head games with tuesday and tells her that Daddy hasn't smiled and is very sad since she stopped visiting him , SO now of course tuesday wants to go there because she feels guilty , aghhhh what am I going to do
I was up all night last night , Erik came home from work early and I tried to talk to him about what was going on at work , and of course he tried to rationalize everything . There really is no way to rationalize it , so of course I started crying , all I wanted was for him to understand and be supportive and to tell me hey its going to be okay . But of course I didn't get that . So he says I'm going to bed to go to sleep , Lets go to bed . I said no , that I wanted to sleep on the couch . He got pissed so I told him the truth straight out , that I didn't want to sleep in bed next to him , with him , whatever . I need someone thats going to be there for me . Ican't always be everyone elses rock . I need to be loved , ANd not just sexually , loved , cherished the whole 9 . I guess i'm not very loving my self , I have a hard time expressing my emotions and feelings to him because he don't listen to what i'm really saying, He takes what I'm saying and turns it into something else , so I don't even bother any more . I leave him be , He takes everything so personally , But how many different ways can I spell things out for him . I'm tired of excuses
Well I am scaerd , nothing bad happened to me today . Almost like it is the calm before the storm. Erik is still sleeping on the couch , It bothers me , but things definitley need to change . I feel like an overstretched elastic . I was reflecting on everything today and it reminded me of a favorite quote of mine by Maya Angelou " you can shoot me with your words, you can cut me with your eyes, you can kill me with your hatefullness but still like air I'll rise ". Seems I always rise above the odds. . I am seriously at odds what to do about work. I am contemplating not returning . My friend Mina says I should sue then , And easily I could and would prevail, Especially if some of my co-workers were asked to testify Subpenoed ( can't spell that one for some reason ) . Would I get money out of it , surely. J.K has a long history of paying people off . But 30,000 isn't shit these days . And I am afraid I would be black listed and unable to get another job . when you do things like that you become an insurance risk and companies don't like to deal with things like that .Also I don't think their is any sum of money that could satisfy the way I was made to feel. Its odd though I was talking to someone I am rather close to there and this person was telling me that there was 1 female before me and that she didn't last a day because the men terrorized her to point where she left crying . Thats just awful in my book . I also found out that a few of the men I work with have sexual harrasment complaints in their files going back 10-15 yrs ago. One of them is my team leader, So what bothers me about this is that when I complained and continue to complain about it . They act like I'm out of my tree , and that everything I say is unfounded and unbelievable . Now I know I'm not crazy. when Roland terrorized me for all that time , no one believed me . Finally a man that at the time I didn't know or really converse with much confronted human resources on it and told them what was going on ( even though they knew ) , and pretty much told them that if they didn't put a stop to it , then he would gladly testify in court for me . Well you know what they did they gave him a little pat on the wrist , no no roland , bad , don't do that again . no suspension , no nothing . Just a little talk with him. I can not even begin to explain what I was made to feel like , The anguish , the stress of going into work not knowing if you were going to have a job the next day because someone had it out for you , for no other reason then you being a woman . My job was a carrot dangled over my head for the longest time , and it was allowed . I had to go through so much therapy because it fucked with me that bad . I have never doubted myself in life , and at that point I really thought i was crazy , I figured I had to be imagining it if no one else saw it . I even had to go to aversion therapy , because I was so afraid of what this man would do next . It was a very humiliating and debilitating thing , So yes now I do have a bad atitude about my job , because now its happening all over again , same shit different mechanic . How much can they possibly get away with ? Its so obvious that its just me that they are focused on fucking with . Not all the guys there are like that I have a few good friends , and in paticular 1 man that I trust more implecitly, His reason for saying something to Human resources was I have girls and a wife and If the things that happen to you ever happen to them I hope and pray someone would stick up for them . Theres not many people around like that , who would put themselevs on the line for someone they don't know. He knows who he is and I love him for it , his wife and girls are lucky , because he will never do wrong by them or let harm come to them. My own boyfriend didn't stick up for me . Alot of people say to let it go , but this current situation brings back everything in spades , and it hurts so frakin bad. How do you put hurt into a monetary sum ? What I dealt with and deal with I think is worth way more than 30,000 but then again is it worth my way of providing for my family ? I'm young and can't afford to be unhirable .
Between my unhappiness with my job , and my failing relationship I can't say my self esteem is at its highest . The thing that bothers the most about my job is that I have never done wrong by anyone there. Nor do I deserve the treatment that I get on a daily basis. Its sad because everyone under estimates my intelligence , and they think I am ignorant to what they are doing. I honestly feel that I was hired under the pretense that I would not succeed , and it would discourage other women from applying for this job. Alot of people judge me on my appearence , I'm not what I seem to be . I have feelings and that is constantly overlooked. I have a mans job , but the fact is I'm still a woman . I act like a hard ass because I have to . They would make even more of a doormat out of me if I showed vulnerability or sincerity or femininity . I just don't understand what I have done so wrong . I don't even talk to any one at work any more , I'm so afraid that I'm going to burst into tears. Being denied my raises and my training make me feel like a second class citizen and all the crap that has been done to me has done a number on me , especially emotionally. Its like a game. Erik used to work there and he would tell me the awful things the guys would say about me , These were people I admired , people I cared about. People I thought cared about me . But they are just cut throat son of a bitches . As for everything with Erik I don't know what is going to happen. I love him with all my heart . But I feel unapprecited and unloved . And that is not a happy place to be. I gave up alot to be with him , I lost alot to . But its not something I regret . I got a beautiful daughter out of it. I don't think he realizes how much shit I deal with at work . He never did . You know he was okay cause he was part of the all boys club . I wish he would be part of the solution instead of part of the problem . I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of starting over , How many times can one reinvent themselves before there is nothing left . Thats what I feel , hollow. I used to look forward to work now I just dread it , same with coming home I just dread it ,
I don't ever want to go back to work again . I am a machine mechanic , The only female ever to have my job . The reason for it is that you have to have thick skin . I have to work twice as hard and twice as fast . I have been at my job for almost 3 yrs and the only time it was decent is when I was pregnant . the other times it was and continues to be vicious. When I started I expected some shit for the first couple months before they got over the shock. I figured it would let up , but it hasn't.
When I first started a man named jamie was hired as well and we both started on the same day. From the beginning I never recieved training hands on I was given a s.o.p ( standard operating procedure) sheet and pretty much left on my own with this massive machinery that I had no idea about. Jamie of course got training because they figured I'd give up , go home, and cry into my pillow. WRONG !!!! I'm not a quitter, I never have been. Of course no one really talked to me , although their were pretty awful rumors going around about me. I was a lesbian, a racist , a satan worshipper , I was really a man etc etc etc . And then of course there is Roland , he is a devout catholic , and an extreme male chauvinist pig. He made it his mission to terrorize me for 2 yrs.He would say things like "ever notice your not like the other mechanics", Or "why don't you go to the cord department with the rest of the women". And this was with in my first month . He would give me shit work just to degrade me, he would sabotage my work to make me look incompetent . He would find fault with everything I did, and if there was nothing wrong he would create problems with my machines. It came to a head about a yr ago. He was sticking me on ridiculous jobs that were way below my skill level . But not Jamie , he supposedly was a better mechanic even though I had to reshow him how to fix things and he actually got training . So I complained yet again to the vp in charge of my department. Well before the words got out of my mouth he was screaming at me and I was crying, I hardly ever cry.Telling me that I'm the problem and I have 2 choices I can either get laid off or he can fire me. So I threatened him I told him i would sue him for discrimination , harrasment and hostile work place . Well he decieded to let me go on another shift imagine that , but not before telling me that if I fucked up once I would be fired. Well I have been on that shift for a little over a yr. And I thought things were going good until about 2 months ago I asked for speacilized training that I need in order for my next raise , I was denied. But Jamie has the training and already has the raise . Everytime a raise is do to me I have to fight for it.No one else does . So I deciede I'm going to let it go . I still have a raise due for building pneumatic motors I ask for that and I can't have that raise until I complete the skill level before it . even though I am certified in it , Well yet another raise is still do to me . For that I need one more job to complete the list. Which is roll recovery and so I tell my team leader about it and I find one that needs to be done, I go to break and come back to find that our new guy THAT I TRAINED is being shown how to do this even though he doesn't need it . I am at my wits end with this. Am I being irrational ori s there something really wrong with this picture ? please I need input on this. Theres so much more to this but This is the short version . I am at work everday on the verge of tears I just can't take it any more.
Another lovely day. If my days can possibly get any worse I'm seriously fucked . So for 2 years now I've been bitching about how nice it would be TO COME HOME TO A CLEAN HOUSE , and on his days off I get all excited , hoping , just to come home and be let down again. And there is always an excuse , always. So today as usual I walk in and ..... the house is a mess . So I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and ignored him. He knew I was pissed. I get up around 4 am every morning to get ready for work etc and work until 4:30 pm . After work I go directly to my grandmothers to pick up Lavender. Then I haul ass to Dartmouth to get Tuesday before the day care closes. I usually get home around 5:30 and then we take care of homework , supper and shower for Tuesday all while trying to keep lavender happy. In the midst of all this I try to pick up my house .
Tuesday is usually in bed by 8:30 . Lavender used to be in bed around 8 and sleep all night , thats not the case any more . Sometimes I get to bed at 10 other times I'm up till 2 . So I have a long day every day . So of course he gets mad , how dare I get mad , how was he supposed to clean the house and take care of lavender at the same time. I must be retarted how dare I suggest a thing . So he started in on this and that and I did what I do best , I ignore . He bitched about something , so I asked him to leave. He tried to take lavender . Yeah like that would ever fly. Thing is I love him with all that I am . But i'm tired of asking for things , and the let down to realize that yet again its all up to me . I can't live like this no more. He says he tries but I just don't see it . He says I'm not loving and that I'm emotionally distant and its true , I'm to tired to love and care.
Why keep arguing , He says I don't talk to him . My thing is why bother nothing is going to change any way . I'm not perfect , I don't claim to be . He then of course throws it in my face that I used to pay my sister in law ( the down syndrome whore ) to clean my house . And its like is he stupid , Its sad that I have to pay her , I can't keep up with it , and I hate having a dirty house . Hello asshole then help me . Ughhhh oh And sorry to whomever I linked to or put on my friends list by mistake I got a link somewhere and have been reading this persons blog out of curiosity . so sorry
So after my post last night I decieded to pay Crystal a visit , because all I have ever done is help her sorry ass, and quite frankly I was pissed that she involved me in this bullshit. So I go over there and first ask her where this chick lives cause I was ready to go fucking psycho , Can you believe the bitch won't tell me , She says " Oh I don't want any problems ". Well that was the wrong awnser. So I went off I told her you fucking throw me in this fucked up situation that I had nothing to do with , It fucks me all up and now you don't want problems , well its too fucking late for that . So I told her to stay away from me , and all that is mine . And I was really yelling at her , it takes alot to push me to that point I'm a pretty mellow person . So she starts crying and shaking ( aww poor baby ) and runs in her room saying ohhhh I don't need this , well cunt face neither do I was my kind response . At this point her 100 pound fag boyfriend gets in my face , So I laughed at him I was like what are you going to hit me tough guy , He was like leave . So I told him You better tell me where this girl lives , He shut the door on my face . So I called it a night before I killed someone. So I go to the office to pay my rent today and coincedentally enough someone reported that my bf lives with me . I pay 846 dollars a month for rent ,for this very small 2 bedroom apartment , its subsidized , so the fair market value is 1025 so now in order to avoid that I have to prove he don't live here . we are just making it now , never mind adding 250 more bucks . See what you get when you are related to fuck nutts , thanks you down syndrome whore .
Okay so after working my ass off today and much aggravation and frustration I will get into later , I get home and there is a message from my sister in law that its urgent that I call her back . So I'm figuring she wants to mooch something off me , as she usually does .She's on welfare pays 30 fucking lousy dollars a month for rent and gets 290 in food stamps , but somehow she always needs something from me . So I call her and there is DRAMA as usual. A few weeks ago her son , my nephew had a kid up playing with him , and supposedly her bisexual boyfriend ( lovely huh ) and kid diddler caught sid and the other little boy in the tent , and the other boy made sid kiss him and his dick , the kid was seriously caught with his pants down. Problem one is my nephew is 6 years old , this kid is 12 where is the common sense here . Why would a 12 yr old want to play with a 6 yr old ? So crystal confronted the mother and told her the kid couldn't come over her house no more. And then went on to tell every one and their mother about what happened . So the kids mother freaks out and goes and threatens crystal because now everyone knows . And its coming from my building supposedly . So the girl asks Crystal who she told and of course the dumb bitch says me . Now I have this beautiful truck that you can't miss its a monster , So now I'm paranoid this bitch is going to mess with my truck . And of course crystal tells her where I live. I work a minimun of 12 hrs a day and don't have time to spread gossip to all the welfare whores in my building . So the girl thinks she's going to come over here and kick my ass , which at best is laughable. See and this is within 5 minutes of walking in my house . At work I am not allowed to be trained in certain things , which mean no raises , because I am the first women ever to hold my position in my company's history , So now my ball swinging counter parts don't want me to get ahead or even be an equal . Ughhh happy fucking day .
Well I should long be asleep but of course sleep once again eludes me. I have to get up real soon to go to work and I seriously don't want to , I used to love my job , but it seems like everything here is going up but my pay. It still is a mans world.
Well that is me , your typical skinhead girl , My friend had a blog I was addicted to and she just stopped doing it , So I decieded to do one my self. First off I am 27 yrs old and decided that in the next couple of years I want to own a home. I live in a condo community with I swear welfare ghetto whores , I also think I am the only one here that works , So it makes for real interesting neighbors. I own a bunch of journals none of which I write in , I think I collect them for shits and giggles . But any way I look forward to every one getting to know me and thankful for the internet that will let me purge my depest darkest secrets ,
