Okay Easter went by pretty uneventful until 6 pm , Tuesdays father called and I allowed her to talk to him , she hasn't seen him in 2 months , He promises her things and never follows up , He always has an excuse not to take her. So I cut out the drama and stopped visitation all together after he forgot her at daycare and told her that we were going to abandon her because she was not behaving .. That was it for me when I picked up a very hysterical tuesday .
So he says to me why can't I see her , you can't keep her from me you know , we have a child support agreement . So I told him that he owed me 1500.00 in back support and 6 years worth of medical and everything else see because we have joint custody . So I kindly told him he wasn't and never has held up his end so why should I . Joint custody means shared everything .. he can't even pay his lousy 52.25 a week , Tuesdays daycare is 30.00 a day . So how is that fair ? You know its not like I can say hey tuesday you can't have clothes or anything else you need because your dad don't pay , Thats what he fails to realize , Just because he don't pay don't mean she don't need things. Its not screwing Tuesday over its affecting my whole family , Mainly Erik and myself , our girls don't go without , But the phone company , and car insurance .. and the electric company and our basic needs do , I am filing a contempt order with the court , DOes anyone know anything about this? I think he is responsible to pay me back for those 6 yrs he was supposed to be covering medical because it is an court order right ?
1. have you had plastic surgery? if not, would you consider it? why or why not? No I haven't , I would not only consider it I would do it .. I want my outside to match my inside. I think it would stop the internal wars between my minds image matching my bodys image. It is something I have struggled with all my life , and is a source of great unhappiness for me and I honestly think that it would help me . I know I need to be happy with my self regardless .. but I am just not.
2. have you seen anyone you knew on national television before? who were they, and what was the circumstances? No , but I was big time news , name with held because I was under 18 . FOr something heinous I did when I was 14. I choose the wrong way to call out for help , and to this day I am dealing with the repercusions of what I did 13 yrs ago , Its true you know your past does haunt you.
3. do you think that gastric bypass surgery should be covered by health insurance? why or why not? My health insurance actually does cover it , and I was scheduled for a consultation .. the week before I found out I was pregnant . I woul dget it in a heart beat . But thankfully I don't weigh enough .
4. have you ever been on national television? if yes, what was it for? if not, would you like to be on nat'l television? why/why not? see awnser 2
5. i've seen young girls - 18 yrs. old - get breast implants. most women will go up a cup size around that age. how young is 'too young' for breast implants? I would guess it depends on the parents and the individuals , there are tons of other reasons people get them then just for bigger breasts .. Masectomys, disfigurations etc
6. if you could appear in any medium - radio, television, print, film, internet - what would it be? why? or would you rather be anonymous? Print and it would be anon , I have alot to say .. and I could write a book about my life experiences .. But it would hurt those I love
7. have you had any 'regular' surgery, something for health reasons only and not considered plastic surgery? why? if you haven't, who is the closest person to you to have surgery, and tell us about that. I had orthoscopic on my knee because at 19 I destroyed my acl and mcl , had my adnois out , And I had my tubes tied.
8. as of this moment, who is you most-favourite famous person? tell us about him/her, and what makes them so special to you. My most favorite person is not famous, It is my Memere she is the most selfless person on this earth , She has gone to ends of the earth and back with me and is my support system , When everyone else threw in the towel as far as I'm concerned , she did not. My memere is my hero and the person I strive to be most like in life . If it were not for her I would not be half of who I am today , She truly is incredible
Today is lovely out here in Massachusetts . I'm sitting here by the open windows enjoying the sun and breeze . It don't get much better than this , Lavender is on the couch napping , Tuesday is in her room playing .
I'm getting quite a bit accomplished , Tuesday is anticipting the return of the Easter bunny . I get to pick up Lavenders pictures tommorow , I'm excited for the weekend . Eriks grandmother is being buried tuesday ..so yet another day off at work , I think they think I am either making all these deaths up or I am just cursed .
On another note my neighbor is being a serious bitch, I bought a spacesaver washer and dryer ( which we are not allowed to have per lease because they provide community washers and dryers ) but people steal things, and dragging the baby up and down 3 flights of stairs to another complex is miserable . She says to me the other day I know you have a washer I'm telling managment .
So with an evil glint in my eye I reminded her that I am a mechanic and to watch out .. because perhaps something might go awry on her car. We have a history me and her , We used to be friends .. until she told me something I had to tell other people . She confided in me that her bf molested his 13 yr old daughter . I'm a mother of 2 girls and there are so many people that live here and don't watch out for their kids ..That I felt I needed to tell managment. The guy isn't on her lease and he's a registered sex offender free to roam in my complex community , I don't think so. So she hates me now. What do you think ? what would you do ?
Friday Five 1. What do you do for a living? I am an Industrial Mechanic
2. What do you like most about your job? That no other woman in my companys 200 yr history has ever held my job.. I showed them hahahah
3. What do you like least about your job?That sometimes my guys forget that I'm a woman , and that I have feelings
4. When you have a bad day at work it's usually because _____... I am assigned all the shit work because its still a mans world
5. What other career(s) are you interested in? I would love to be a recognized artist.
Well I just returned from my grandfathers funeral , And if one positive thing be said of catholics , They do have lovely services , It was sad .. But I am happy he died surrounded by those that loved him.
The wake took place yesterday and it was definitley an emotionally exhausting affair , Grandpa had alot of friends and people who loved him , I was happy to see that . He was a simple man who touched alot of lives. My aunt berated me for being devoid of emotion, I loved my garndfather and I am sad he is not on this plain with me , but I am happy the pain and torment is gone that was his every day life for 2 yrs , He put up a noble fight , One he knew that he would lose but none the less he fought.
It was sad to see my family devestated like that, But I'm not one to cry , And if I do I lick my wounds in private . I deal with emotions on my own terms. On another sad note my Aunt died on Sunday night of cancer .. And Eriks grandmother whom we visited yesterday passed away today. When it rains it pours. But for myself it was a maturing and sobering moment. I waste to much time saying to my daughter someday.. I waste to much energy on grudges and negative things .. I am going to start making those somedays a reality. And stop sweating the small stuff . Well until later my friends.
P.s had to edit !! Is it or is it not a wake faux pah to lean in a casket and kiss someone on the forhead ? All I heard was a tremendous gasp when I did this soo just wondering .... ?
Have you ever watched some one die , Fade into a void of unknown ? Its like looking at your own mortality and knowing you too will someday be there. I went to work today and for the life of me could not concentrate , And also every thing I touched literally turned to shit . When this happens , which is rare .. I just know something is not right .. I couldn't shake it , I knew it was more than a funk , So around 11 I decieded to call and check on Grandpa .. His wife awnsered the phone and I was told that he was fading minute by minute and that I should if I wanted to say goodbye , get there . When I arrived grandpa was in a coma . I walked over held his hand and kissed his forehead and told him goodbye . He fought to exist until 12:30 . Everyone broke down but oddly enough me and my father didn't , always have to be the tough guys .
I can't imagine what pain his wife is going through , you could see her world breath by shallow breath of my grandpas literally unhinge her world . It was an awful but fascinating thing . I know what real love looks like because I seen it today , and I also witnessed devestaion like I have never seen before . It was amazing. I love my grandpa but I am glad he's no longer in pain .
We went out to smoke a cigarette before cleaning out his room , and I was joking with my dad ( step who adopted me = Daddy ) about how I had a jar for him when he died , I have a vial of my biological fathers ashes which I wear around my neck, The remainder of his ashes are under my sink in a I love Lucy lunch box , My uncle snapped and told me I was ignorant and its all fun and games now but wait until I have to feel what he is feeling , So I explained to him , that I know exactly what that is like "Jimmy"died when I was 23 and although he was not father of the year , he was still my father and I loved him .. And that in this lifetime I would have to bury 2 fathers.. I think he was ashamed of himself , and rightfully so because he got really quiet. Its been such a strange day indeed . But I'm okay with it , I accepeted this would happen last week ..So for once I was mentally prepared. God bless you grandpa and Rest In Peace.
You never realize when your younger , that the older you get .. The more the world closes is on you , Grandpa was sent home today to die at home , they estimate that he will be lucky to see monday. I'm at peace with it , I can't imagine being faced with that.it seems the older I get the more people disappear from my life , its just so crazy , now I know what is meant by " youth is wasted on the young " Its so true.
Lavender is still teething and quite miserable .. Poor thing , Its such a drastic change is her nature , I can't wait until I get her pictures back so I can post them ( what a nerd huh ) I'm anxiously awaiting them , they came out so beautiful. I finished my Easter shopping , I got alot of cool stuff to put in my Memere's basket , WE decided to do one this year for her , because she is a tremendous help to us , My memere has always been there for me , Even when my family shunned me .. Memere did not , She always had faith in me .
No sleepovers this weekend whoo hoo , ( that I know of as of yet anyway ) I have to work on a project with Tuesday for school , she's doing a time line and presentation on pochahontos , So being the competitive child she is ..It has to be perfect .
Thunder ..scares the shit out of me , As a child my mother told me it was God coming to take me away for being bad, At 27 years old I know this is not the case , but I am still terrified of thunder and lightning .
2. Which emotions seem to take the best of you?
Love takes the most out of me , Its a wonderful ride when things are going smooth and as they should , Its volatile when things are going bad . I think it brings out the intensity in me .. Which makes me manic .which is a dangerous combination. People with Bipolar don't have that fine line , Its all about extremes.
3. What do you take pride in the most?
I take pride in the fact that I do not need to rely on anyone , I am a self sufficient person , and although people are in and out of my life , I know that my girls can depend on me . Everything I have .. I have because I worked for it , nothing was ever handed to me and I never take the easy way out .. You hear that Justin ..I never take the easy way out . Peoples thoughts and feelings about me do not affect me neither here nor there , I live life for me and my girls and nothing else matters , sure things hurt me .. I'm not made of stone . But I know I can always count on one person..Me. My father taught me through t he school of hard knocks that that is the way it has to be .
I'm happy to say that my grandfather made it through the sugery , he is not however out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination .. but for the little things I am thankful. When it rains , it definitley pours . My entire house has been plagued with the flu it seems except for Tuesday. We are a bunch of miserable sick people if I must admit . I want to thank every one for their prayers and kindness , you all keep me sane . On another note I had to say goodbye to a long time friendship , my best friend Justin , His girlfriend thinks we are having some torrid affair .. which is wrecking havoc on his life .. I left some comments on his blog on what he wrote . They were neither here nor there .. but maybe she misunderstood what I wrote and took them as something else . They were just what I understood his poetry to be or what I took from them , Maybe she thought I thought they were about me or in regards to me .. I truly don't know . I love him with all my heart and am truly sad that it has to be what it is , He is the one person whom has always been there for me through out all of lifes trials and tribulations . My safety net .
There is osmething to me having bad days at work, and then coming home and immediatly getting a phone call with more bad news. I am terrified when the phone rings. It is just ironic I guess. I had just gotten in the door and settled the girls in for the night when I got a phone call from my sister , She says Tanya what are you doing ? In a flat voice , Jodie is a bubbly kid full of life and it just resonates in her voice.. So I knew immediatly something was wrong . She asked me to get the girls dressed and to come with her to my grandfathers house a few towns away , She explained that he wanted us all there to say goodbye . My granfather has been fighting lung cancer for the past 2 years and he seemed to be doing good , He got cancer from working with asbestos for a majority of his life , Before the facts of what asbestos does to you were even known , he is 76 .
My family is not an emotional one , we were always taught that emotions were a sign of weakness , so there for we are a fucked up lot who have problems displaying them in any form. So we get there and the whole family was there. My grandfather asked us all to come into the kitchen because he wanted to speak to us all , because what he had to say was not easy and he did not want to repeat it.bHe told us he knew he was dying , but that he was going to fight this with all that he had , and also that he wanted us to promise to take care of his wife , who is 20 yrs his junior , not my grandmother .. he divorced her along time ago , in my lifetime they were not together . I call her aunty ethel . And he went on to tell us all that he loved us and that he did not want a big deal made of his passing , He wanted a small stone because that was good enough for his youngest son ( who commited suicide at 27 ) so it was good enough for him.
Some started crying , I don't think Tuesday understands what really going to happen , so she was okay . She gave him her lucky ducky ring that Erik gave her and told him " grandpa this has always brought me luck, So Now I hope it does the same for you " she kissed him and told him she loved him , Me and my sister headed outside because GOd forbid any one see's us cry . We don't cry , We're " tough". He had his lungs pumped on friday and they are filled with liquid again , so they are going to do an emergency operation to try to save his life. They want to put a shunt in to drain all the fluid . They do not think he will live through it and neither does he . So I pray for the best and prepare for the worst . My prayers are with you Grandpa and to you I say goodnight and hopefully not goodbye .
Don't laugh , but I liked and still to his day love jeopardy
2. What show did you hate?
Romper room , that bitch with the mirror never ever called my name , and I watched for years , ughh still mad about that ,
3. What show did your family gather around the TV to watch?
Disney used to have movies on channel 12 every sunday , and we would all watch it together , mom would make popcorn , the old kind jiffy , where you cooked it on the stove .. Gosh I'm showing my age
4. What show is currently your favorite?
It was america's next top model , But its all over now
5. What show do you hate now?
I hate spongebob square pants , theres this guy at work , who laughs just like him , and the guy happens to be an ass so ... I hate sponge bob.
More This and That 1. Are you organized or disorganized?
I am a very disorganized person
2. How well can you swim?
I'm a fish out of water , I love water its the one thing I am drawn too , it calms me
3. How often do you fill your gas tank?
Considering I drive a 1978 Bronco with a big lift kit and even bigger tires , that has a 351M under its hood and the fact that I have a broken gas gauge .. I have to put 10 in it everyday just to be on the safe side and it never hits fill .so yup I drive a gas Whore
Sometimes .. It definitley depends on the mood of the evening
2.How does your partner call you or how do you call your partner?
My partner calls me Frank after the evil alter ego bunny rabbit from Donny Darko
3. What kind of words make you really hot, and what kind of words really turn you off?
What turns me on is when we are making love and he looks in my eye's and tells me he loves me , What turns me off is stuff like " who's your daddy bitch "
4. If "dirty talk" turns you off, then why and do you prefer not to talk much at all?
Dirty talk don't turn me off..But the tiiming with it is in the mood of the night ..Sometimes I like to get down and dirty , and most times I like to be loved .. held and to hear loving things.
So I have still yet to weigh myself , But I was taking these pills that supposedly help you melt off the weight with a modest diet and excersize regimen , I took them before combined with weight watchers and I lost a good 40 pounds in about 3-4 months . Thing is though I started taking them again after spending 30 dollars to obtain them and I found they gave me lots of energy in the morning , took them again in the afternoon ..same thing , then around 7 pm I would crash .. I would seriously be exhausted like I have never been in my life.
Not only that but I started becoming hostile and violent , and delusional and also extremely irritable , These pills were driving me out of my mind . Has anyone ever heard of anything like this ? It's my week for my monthly friend so that didn't help , but is that not crazy ? I just don't understand it . I felt even worse after not taking them for the last 3 days , but I'm starting to feel a bit better now . So buyer beware about this pill.
1. Do you wear any jewelry? What kind? I wear very little , But I have a necklace I never take off its made out of clay and sea glass fashioned to look like a bear paw , because that is my totem . And I wear my diamond earrings and engagement ring.
2. How often do you wear it? Outlined above
3. Do you have any piercings? If so, where?
Yes , Nipples , tongue, Lip , septum
4. Do you have any tattoos? If so, where?
Well I have a japenese dragon covering the back of my head, Spiderweb on the entire elbow, odins cross on the inside of my right wrist , A barcode with my social on the inside of my left wrist, A sacred heart on my chest , and Riot girl tatooed on my left upper forearm
I am by nature a pretty tolereant person , I can deal with the stupidity of everyday things children do. I , however can not deal with greedy, ungrateful children . Thats one thing that irks me to no end. Alot of people comment on how spoiled Tuesday is, and to a degree she is , But with her father not in the picture I do tend to overcompensate. But I find that those that comment on it are usually people who don't care to provide in a manner for there children that I do , Its not for lack of funds , ITs just that they don't for what ever reason. I will be the first to admit that Tuesday and Lavender have the best of everything its a matter of pride for me because I came from nothing , It doesn't make a me a better person or parent , and to look at me you would never know they are my children because I look like a bag lady. But it makes me feel good to know they have nice things.
Anyway this post is not about either of my children , at times Tuesday can be ungrateful but what child can't be. I have been taking my niece for the weekends and this weekend left me with a bad taste in my mouth as far as she is concerned . I took the kids last weekend to walmart , and what ever I got Tuesday I naturally got Courtney , So I decieded that I was not going to bring either of them shopping with me should I go again , Because the kid has a way of making you feel like you owe her and that you are the biggest piece of dirt if you don't provide for her to.
Well I bought Tuesday A stupid little dinosaur on thursday and left it on her burea for her as a suprise, and I also bought her a game boy game she's been wanting . I never leave Any store without something little for each of my girls. Tuesday was happy as she always is , my kid for the most part you could give a piece of paper to and she'd be happy, At other times no matter what tyou give her its not enough ( like most kids). So Liz dropped off courtney friday afternoon and of course commented on how spoiled Tuesday is ..I held my comments to myself , Liz is a welfare case always has been , always will be.
I work hard for my money..I choose to spend it on my children, There is no rational reason why she don't have a job, except for laziness.But that is her perogative, Thing is though it rubs off on her kid , They act like the world owes them. I am the wrong person to have this attitude with. So Courtney see's this dumb little toy I bought Tuesday ( when she wasn't here ) and has the balls to say to me Where's mine ? and I explained to her that I bought it the pther night when she wasn't here and that I did not need to buy her every single thing that I buy for my daughter and that if she wanted one she should tell her mother. SO I thought this was the end of the issue , I was wrong . I wake up this morning and I guess Tuesday was showing her how to play the new game ..Courtney looks at me and asks me when are we going to Walmart because I OWE HER A TOY !! I have never wanted to shake a child so much in my life. I find it very ballsy and ignorant along with a few hundred other things the kid has done this weekend. I have decieded for my own sanity that this weekend thing is going to be less frequent , What do you think ?
Went out last night with a fellow mechanic , It was his birthday . I got him this really cool votive holder ( which I wanted for myself ) and some candles, Jellybelly beans, and a bouquet of tulips that were lollipops instead of real flowers , really pretty. Its funny how people are outside of work , We had a wonderful time , we went to a bar called LE Place , its a local gay bar. And I had the best time , It was karoke night .. I never laughed so hard in my life, Some very flamboyant people indeed. Then this 400 pound lesbian cornered me in the bathroom ( not what your thinking ) And asked me why I had a spiderweb tatooed on my elbow , because its offensive to her etc , because its symbolic of me killing black people and its a jail tatoo blah blah blah , I got it for no such reason , didn't even know it meant that , I just liked it and thought it was sharp , I'll never understand the association but whatever, I think she was trying to be intimidating , but I don't fear anyone so it was laughable .
ITs been an interesting week over all , I feel great I'm doing pretty good with sticking to eating healthy things with a few mishaps , I also ended a friendship , I suppose I should feel remorseful .. but I don't this person attacked me , so I told them exactly what I thought and I suppose it wasn't appreciated , but whats done is done. I have no interest in beating a dead horse.
I haven't weighed myself yet at all so I can't post if I have lost or not yet, But his gay guy named todd told me I was beautiful and reminded him of betty page , and if he wasn't gay .... It was nice to get a compliment even if it was a bit bizarree.
1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve? Suishi , or food that was made to look like paintings like dali , or warhol. And I'd have punk playing in the backround, and have a cool little artsy book shop off of it.
2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell? Eclectic stuff , Unique clothing for grrl's like me
3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be? I would write a book on surviving life .
4. ...ran a school, what would you teach? I would teach girls how not to be the worlds doormat
5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it? ohh it'd be a mix , Punk, Blues etc it'd be a whole crazy infusion of my tastes
So I went shopping and did pretty well (so I thought) I brought Tuesday , Lavender and my niece courtney. The baby was wonderful , The other 2 I could have choked the life out of , Now I know why my mom always went grocery shopping by herself . I swear I ended up with like 30 dollars of junk ( including a little stuffed bunny for each girl , that was slyly put at the bottom of the carraige ) that I did not put in their . Little girls are sneaky little demons when they want to be. I made out pretty good all the weight watchers food was like half off so I stocked up for a few weeks , I have no choice but to eat them because I did not by anything else that would even tempt me . My niece is like 4 ft tall maybe 50 pounds and the kid does not stop EATING EVER . Why can't I have a metabolism like that ? Mines I swear is pulseless , dead finito whatever. Going to watch American history x tonight , I like tht movie it has a good message , I bought Lavender some of that baby yogurt and the drinkable kind to ....and she loves it, I'm glad , its so good for her. I found a new snack that I love , of all things frozen grapes , the big globe ones mmmmm
I am going out grocery shopping .. I am buying weight watchers stuff , and I am buying that camereon mayhn book ( thanks lynne ) . No longer is this going to drive me nutts , No more ice coffee from dunkin donuts Half cream , 7 sugars , No more chocolate cakes and by god no more bread sticks from dominos pizza. I am going to weigh myself weekly and post it weekly. This is it . Fruits and structred meals , and I am going to incorporate slim fast in with this , I read in womens world that people that combine these diets together lose 200 percent more weight and have a higher success rate of keeping it off . I need to be happy in my skin , but I also need to be healthy in my skin. So here goes nothing .
Okay so this women I befriended yesterday , She calls me up today all upset , she's going through withdrawals from something or other she tells ma and she's broke and could I possibly lend her 20 dollars , I being an ex junkie know this is no good , So I told her I was here for her , but that I did not have any spare money . So she quickly let me go , Coincedentally I had to run to the atm to get money for pizza later on for Tuesday and my niece whom is sleeping over for the weekend , I get top the drive up one , and my "new friend " is in front of me , My heart broke .. I hate feeling used.
I'm not quite sure if I attract wayward people , or that they see something in me where they know that I will go to the ends of the earth to help them ..or what . I pulled into my parking lot today after work and picking Lavender up , I noticed this women who seemed lost ... internally lost , you could see it on her , And of course she comes over and asks politley if I could spare a cigarette , You could see that she used to be a pretty women whom has trodded down a rocky road , And she started crying ( I never know what to do when people cry ). She asked me if I had sometime to spare because she could sure use a friend , I am very skeptical about letting people on my house , And against my better judgement I asked her if she would like to come in and talk , And you could see on her face shock , I don't believe this women has ever had a moment of compassion bestowed upon her in her life to tell you the truth , somethings you can just tell. (btw she was a tiny little thing for all of you going , is she crazy letting a stranger in her house ) for those of you that personally know me , you know this is a non issue cause I am one mean mother fucker if you cross me . She was attacked here, someone jumped out of a dumpster and sprayed her with lye and a bunch of acidic chemicals and then they proceded to rape her , ( she had a wig on to cover the horrific scars on her head and what remains of her hair ) She told me a very sad story , She is a recovering alcoholic who has lost both her children to the state because of the alcoholism , And she is trying to get therap to no avial , so she can regain custody back ( yes I know I have many of my own problems that I should be dealing with ) So I told her I would help her , I honestly think this women is insane , But she really needs a friend , some one , something , I wonder if I can help her , I hope so .
So I think I got a max of 2 hours sleep last night , Lavender is not feeling well at all , I think she has croup, She definitley is barking ( erik is en route to the docs ) and with a combination of teething poor thing is miserable. I have no idea how I drove to work today, I really am beginning to think the Bronco drove it self , And as far as work went I think my hands and the rest of me was on auto-pilot ,because I'm sure I sleep walked through the day .I'm sure those of you with children can relate , I just laughed maniacally at everthing today (overtiredness ). I have not yet made that call for therapy , but i will get to it , its to important to ignore anymore . As for the weight one day at a time , I feel so lucky to have so many people that care , I just guess you never realize there are those out there , I really feel at the end of my rope sometimes ..But I am doing the best I can . I have to put a new image in my head and work towards that. I just want to be happy with me , and in current standings I'm not ; Inside or out . I do have to deal with the inner demons to, as well as the outer . I really think I am seriously ready to , Both will be alot of work .. But I need to set an example for my girls. I truly believe in that old adage the truth will set you free , but where does one begin ,
